Wishin' and Hopin'
by Twisted Mind of a Spy
Summary: From the creators of Half Love and Healing Process. Ellie married Derek. They had Jordan together and Ava is their daughter who married Elle's best friend, Mark. This is life as they know it. How do they deal? Find out! Season 3, AU obviously.
1. Baby Girl Grey

Wishin' and Hopin'

By Mel and Nathalia

* * *

Chapter 1: Baby Girl Grey 

_When I was a kid, I was secretly jealous of the kids I knew who had siblings. Every year since age 5 I wished for one. But by the time I was 10 I had grown up enough to know that it wasn't going to happen. My mom wasn't going to have anymore kids. Little did I know that I already had a sister named Ellie. We met when I was thirteen and she was sixteen. We're not like those sisters who tell each other every little detail of our lives. But we have a good relationship. Well, as best of a relationship as the women in my family know how to have. She lives in Manhattan_ _with her 19 month-old daughter Jordan and is starting her fifth year of residency at Bellevue_ _Hospital._

_As a mother, Ellie is completely different than our mother was with us. In fact she's the complete opposite. She takes Jordan_ _with her everywhere. I call them the dynamic duo. She's very affectionate and loving with Jordan. And as a result my niece has flourished. She has a vocabulary well above the average of kids her age and she's very bubbly and happy 99 of the time. Unfortunately, I haven't seen them much since my internship started. But that's also my mother's fault._

_My mother is the primary reason that Ellie stayed in New York_ _after Jordan_ _was born. I tried to get her to come to Seattle, but she wouldn't. When Ellie was a sophomore in college, she and my mother got in a fight. Still to this day, I have no idea why. But that's not really important. After it was all over, mom refused to pay for the rest of Ellie's education at NYU and that was the end of a functional relationship for them._

_The irony of it all is that Jordan_ _loves my mother and she loves Jordan. But the only time they're ever in Seattle_ _is for Christmas, Thanksgiving, or Easter._

_I'm rambling, aren't I? I tend to do that when I'm nervous. Anyway my point is that I always wanted a sibling and I got one. But I never thought I'd get another one, especially now. But I am and I'm still not sure how I feel about it. Ellie was very indifferent about the whole thing. But then again, she has that luxury because she doesn't live with our mother, she's 3,000 miles away. But right now, I'd give anything for her to be here because I'm not ready for this yet._

* * *

_Come to me now  
And lay your hands over me  
Even if it's a lie  
Say it will be alright  
And I shall believe  
I'm broken in two  
And I know you're on to me  
That I only come home  
When I'm so all alone  
But I do believe_

Meredith Grey stood just outside the doors leading to operating rooms 1-4. She was still dressed in her scrubs. Bailey had pulled her off the floor an hour and a half earlier to tell her that her mother had gone into labor early. 7 weeks to be exact. She paced the floor. They had taken her in 30 minutes ago and still nothing. She was just about to sneak inside and try to get into the scrub room when Cristina came out.

"What's going on? Is my mother ok?"

"She's fine, they took her into recovery."

"I'm going to go see her," Meredith said and made a move to go through the doors.

"Mere wait," Cristina said grabbing her arm.

"What?" Meredith asked, looking at her.

"Your mom said not to let you in."

"Why would she say that?"

"The baby, your sister—"

"I have a sister?"

"Yes. She—" Cristina started but she was interrupted by the doors opening. Alex wheeled through with an incubator containing the newest member of the Grey family.

A nurse was on the other side but Meredith could clearly see the tiny form inside with dozens of tubes around going in and out of her. But she didn't really see the baby. Instead all she saw was the large lump taking up the space on her abdomen.

"Oh my god," Meredith breathed. "She has an—"

"Omphalocele," Cristina finished. "Bailey will examine her in the NICU," She said softly.

"But how-how did this happen? Why wasn't this caught on the ultrasound?"

"It was a couple of months ago."

"Why didn't she tell me?" Meredith asked, clearly shocked.

"I don't know. Dr. Montgomery is in the recovery room talking to her now."

Meredith nodded slowly, "What time is it?"

"What?"

"What time is it?"

"10pm, why?" Cristina asked consulting her watch.

"I need to call my sister," She said before walking away.

Barricading herself in the nearest on-call room, Meredith took a deep breath. Ellie wouldn't be too happy about the late night phone call. But she had no choice. If Ellis Grey refused to see her own children, things were bad. Slowly, she took her phone out of her pocket and dialed Ellie's number.

* * *

_That not everything is gonna be the way  
You think it ought to be  
It seems like every time I try to make it right  
It all comes down on me  
Please say honestly you won't give up on me  
And I shall believe  
And I shall believe_

Eliot Grey was sound asleep, her child cradled in her arms, when the phone rang. Ever since Jordan was born she'd been a light sleeper, and as soon as the shrill sound of her ring echoed in the room she jolted awake, groaning. She barely glanced at the caller ID before answering.

"This is a Seattle area code and I swear to God, Addison, if this is you, I'm going to slit your throat."

"It's…El, it's me."

Ellie paused, trying to register the voice. "Meredith?"

"Y-yeah."

Ellie sat up, carefully settling Jordan's head on the pillow next to her. "What's wrong?"

"I—it's Mom."

"What about Mom?"

"She had the baby early."

"That's great. Tell our little sibling I said hello."

"No, Ellie…she's 7 weeks premature."

"We have a sister?"

"Yeah. And she—she has an Omphalocele."

Ellie sighed. "Oh no. Mere, tell Mom I'm sorry…"

"She won't see me." Meredith sighed. "She refuses to see me, or the baby."

"Meredith, there are a lot of great doctors there…"

"I don't need you here as a doctor. I need you here as my sister. Please, Ellie…"

"I…okay. I'll have to wait until morning, I need to talk to my chief of surgery and see if I can get time off."

Meredith sighed. "Okay."

"Meredith, I'll try, but I'm up for Chief Resident…"

"This is important, Ellie! I know you hate Mom, but I can't do this by myself." She said, now pacing the on-call room. "You have to come."

"Okay, fine." She sighed. Meredith sounded like she really needed someone other than boyfriend number 12, and Ellie figured the new baby could use someone too. "I'll leave a message on the chief's machine and catch the next flight out.

Meredith sighed with relief. "Thank you. I'll see you soon."

Ellie hung up the phone and slid out of bed, trying not to wake Jordan as she did so. She slipped out in to the hall and dialed the hospital.

"Bellevue Hospital."

"Jess, it's Eliot."

"Hi. Is everything alright?"

"I need Jim's voicemail, if you would please."

"Okay, sure."

Ellie waited as she was transferred, her fingers tapping against the door jam, one eye on Jordan, still asleep in the bed.

"You've reached Jim Mitchell, Chief of Surgery for Bellevue Hospital. I'm unavailable right now, but if you leave a message, I'll make sure to return your call when I return to the office. Thank you."

Ellie sighed as the machine beeped. "Jim, it's Eliot. There's been a family emergency, and I need to go to Seattle, hopefully just for a couple of days. I'll be back as soon as I can." She hung up, leaning against the wall and dialing information to get the number for the airline.

* * *

_Open the door  
And show me your face tonight  
I know it's true  
No one heals me like you  
And you hold the key_

A few hours later, Ellie was walking in to Seattle Grace, Jordan wide awake in her arms.

"Nana?" Jordan asked, perking up at the recognition of the hospital.

"Maybe later, okay?" Jordan snuggled in response, her tiny fingers playing with the necklace Ellie was wearing. Poised as ever, Ellie refused to walk in to a place she hadn't seen in months looking like she'd just rolled out of bed. Prada shoes on her feet, a Gucci skirt and sweater hugging her body, Ellie looked every bit the Manhattanite as she strolled through the hospital.

"Eliot?"

She turned, grinning. "Mark Sloan. How've you been?"

"Fine, I guess. What bring you to Seattle?"

"My mother just had a baby."

"Oh, that's right. I didn't think you would be coming."

"Meredith called. The baby was premature."

"Addison said she has an Omphalocele."

"Yeah." Ellie sighed. "I should find my sister. It was good to see you though."

He nodded. "Yeah, you too."

She smiled and headed further in to the hospital, rounding the corner and running in to Derek Shepherd. "Christ."

"What a greeting."

"Do you know where my sister is?"

"Not even a hello?"

Ellie sighed. "Derek…"

"She's up in the NICU with Addie and the baby."

"Great, thanks." Ellie headed for the elevator, but Derek stopped her by placing his hand on her arm.

"I'm here, if you guys needed anything."

"Right. Thanks." She freed herself from him and hit the elevator button. Jordan waved at Derek, who waved back, smiling, and then headed back down the hall.

Jordan started to wiggle in Ellie's arms as they waited. She knew that this was where her Auntie Meredith and Nana worked. "Nana?" Jordan asked again hopefully.

"Later, baby. We'll see her later, okay?"

"No!" Jordan said sticking out her lower lip. "Me want Nana now peas."

Ellie sighed. "Honey, I don't know where she is. She had a baby and is resting, so we're going to have to talk to Aunt Addie about when we can see her."

Jordan looked crushed, "Nana," she whimpered softly.

"I know sweetie." She said softly, as they got off the elevator and headed for the NICU.

As Ellie and Jordan approached the NICU, Addison and Alex came out, laughing and talking. Addison briefly glanced over at Ellie and Jordan, turning back to Alex and then pausing, her head swinging back around. "Ellie?"

"Hey Add." Ellie smiled.

"Hi!" She raced over, wrapping her in a hug. "What are you doing here?"

"My mother just had a baby…"

"No, I know, but….I didn't expect you here."

Ellie shrugged. "Meredith asked me to come. She said that the baby has an Omphalocele."

"She does." Addison looked down at Jordan. "We should really talk about this without her here."

Ellie nodded. "Okay. I don't know where to put her though."

Addison thought for a moment. "Karev, can you take Jordan?"

He nodded. "Sure, Dr. Montgomery."

Ellie handed her over. Jordan looked at Ellie, confused. "Just for a few minutes, sweetie. This is Dr. Karev."

"Alex." He said, smiling. "I'm Alex."

Ellie nodded. "Just hang out with Alex for a little, okay?" Jordan nodded, watching as Addison led Ellie in to the NICU. "So that's Alex, huh?"

Addison rolled her eyes. "We are not discussing this here."

"Why not? I can't have a sex life, I have a kid. I have to live vicariously through someone."

"We're in a NICU, Ellie!"

Ellie laughed. "I'm sorry, you're right." Addison led her over to the incubator Baby Grey was in and Ellie gasped softly. "She's so small."

"She is. But she's a fighter El."

"She is?"

"For the moment your little sister is holding her own."

"Th-that's good."

"After she was born, I covered the omphalocele with protective sheeting. We're going to keep it covered with special dressings for the next week or so depending on her growth. If she has a good growth pattern we'll attempt beginning to put the organs back inside the abdominal cavity. But because she is a preemie, her breathing and over-all function is a concern."

"Right. What happens if she doesn't have a good growth pattern?"

"In terms of growth, I'm talking more about the abdominal cavity. As it stands now, we can't begin putting the organs back in because she needs some time to recover from birth and also because the cavity isn't big enough yet."

Ellie nodded. "Okay." She sighed. "How-how's Ellis?"

"Ellis is like any mother who has just had a baby with special needs. She's in shock."

"Meredith said she refused to see her."

"Yes, she did. She doesn't want the two of you to see her like this."

"Like what? Upset? Like a real person?"

"You could say that I guess."

She sighed. "Well that's ridiculous."

"It's not. She just-she doesn't want anyone to see her this way." Addison sighed, "I picked this up on ultrasound a couple of months ago. Your mother said she could handle it and told me not to say anything to you or to Meredith. But today she had to face it and that's very difficult for a mother even if they've had children."

"We--well, Mere wants to help her. How is she going to do that if she can't go in and see her?"

"Give her time. If this happened to you, would you want Jordan to see you upset?"

"Well, no, but Jordan is two."

"It doesn't matter how old the two of you are babe. She's your mother and she's trying to protect you."

She sighed. "I guess. I just hope she lets people in to the room soon. Jordan is dying to see her."

Addison smirked, "Well she didn't say anything about Jordan."

"She didn't? Do you think that would be okay?"

"I would never come between a little girl and her Nana. Besides, Ellis could use some comforting right now."

Ellie nodded. "Okay."

Addison glanced at her watch, "I need to go. I'm due in surgery in 20 minutes. But maybe we can meet up tonight?"

"Yes, absolutely. I'll call you later."

"Great. See you later," Addison said and left.

Ellie went back out in to the hall and took Jordan from Alex, thanking him profusely for watching her. Alex smiled and led them down to Ellis' room. Ellie knocked on the door, letting it open slightly. "Mom?"

There was no answer to Ellie's call. Ellis was lying in bed staring out the window.

Ellie stepped inside. "Mom, I know you didn't want us in here, but Jordan wants to see you."

Jordan's eyes lit up when she saw Ellis, "NANA!" She said and started wiggling hard trying to get out of Ellie's arms.

"Hold on baby." Ellie said softly. "Mom, is it okay if I leave her?"

"She can stay," Ellis said softly.

"Okay." Ellie set Jordan on the bed, kissing her before leaving, shutting the door behind her.

Jordan crawled up to Ellis carefully and crawled into her lap, being careful not to touch too much. She sensed that her Nana was maybe hurting a little. Ellis tensed at first, never looking away from the window. She felt sick, and awful, and like it was her fault.

"Nana," Jordan said in her baby's voice. Ellis sighed, but didn't turn to look at her. Jordan tried again and this time she kissed her cheek softly. She knew her Nana liked kisses.

Ellis' hand went up to her cheek and she started to cry softly, her hands shaking a little. Jordan frowned briefly at this reaction, but then slowly and very gently, she hugged Ellis. Jordan sighed softly in response and cuddled. For her, nothing and no one mattered now. She was with her Nana. Ellis kissed her, hugging her as tight as she could. She was glad to see Jordan.

"Hiyo Nana," Jordan said.

"Hi baby girl."

"Me miss you."

"I miss you too sweetheart."

"Nana have owie?"

"Sort of sweetie."

"Me kiss better?"

"You can't kiss this one better little one."

"No?" Jordan looked disappointed at this.

She shook her head. "No. But if you hug me lots that will help."

Jordan grinned at this and hugged Ellis as tight as she could. Ellis let out a soft sigh and hugged Jordan, closing her eyes. When Ellie checked on them again, both were sleeping peacefully. Ellis had found some solace in Jordan. But the fact remained that there was still another child upstairs fighting for her own life. She had had very little human contact since her birth 12 hours before. The newborn had been surrounded by voices and hands during this time. But this place was a far cry from the warm and safe environment that she once knew. The quiet and sometimes hesitant voice that she could not know had been her mother was gone. And now in this box that was her new world, baby girl Grey was left to fight alone.

_Never again  
would I turn away from you  
I'm so heavy tonight  
But your love is alright  
And I do believe _

That not everything is gonna be the way  
You think it ought to be  
It seems like every time I try to make it right  
It all comes down on me  
Please say honestly  
You won't give up on me  
And I shall believe  
I shall believe  
And I shall believe

* * *

Lyrics- "I Shall Believe,"- Sheryl Crow 

R/R please!


	2. Breathing Under Water

Wishin' and Hopin'

By Mel and Nathalia

* * *

Chapter 2: Breathing Under Water 

_As surgeons we are always in a race against time. That race against the clock has also carried over into my personal life. I have tried to race against time and be both dedicated surgeon and mother. But I failed both of my children quite miserably. My work came before them and I have paid dearly for that choice by giving up relationships with my daughters._

_I know that I can never take that time back. But I know that I was given a second chance with this new child. I will not pay the same price for this one as I did for Ellie and Meredith. I can't. I promised that I would put this baby first. And two months ago I had no choice but to do just that._

_I thought I could handle it. After all, I've seen much worse. But when the silence washed over the room and I saw the tiny human being who was supposed change my life being whisked away I stopped handling it. Every day I am charged with talking to my patients' parents, spouse, sibling, or child. I can handle that. But no one can prepare you for being on the other side._

_As a surgeon, I have the ability to pick up a scalpel and save a life. I am Dr. Ellis Grey, the best cardiothoracic surgeon in the country. But I am no longer any of those things. Instead, I am a mother who fears for her child's life. There is a nagging guilt that is threatening to consume me and I am tempted to let it._

* * *

_I've been looking in the mirror for so long.  
That I've come to believe my soul's on the other side.  
All the little pieces falling, shatter.  
Shards of me,  
Too sharp to put back together._

Ellie headed in to the cafeteria at Seattle Grace, desperately in need of some coffee and nourishment. After purchasing coffee and a sandwich, she settled at a table in the center of the cafeteria. Her chief of surgery had called and left a message, telling her to take her time in Seattle, but she was sure that chief resident wasn't going to be as easily acquired as she had previously thought. She took a deep breath and bit in to the sandwich, making a face.

"It's gross, I know."

Ellie jumped and looked up, smiling. "Hey Sloan. Have a seat."

Mark sat down across from her, a wide grin on his face. "How are you?"

"I'm fine, I guess." She eyed him carefully. "You're grinning profusely. What's wrong with you?"

"There is nothing wrong with me."

"You don't grin like that unless you're getting laid, and since I know you're not getting laid…"

"Oh you know, huh?" Ellie stared at him. "Who says I'm not?"

"Mark Sloan, whose dignity are you taking this time?"

He laughed and stuck his tongue out. "I am not taking anyone's dignity. And I am currently not getting laid, since my girl isn't in town yet."

"Your girl? You're calling her your girl?" Ellie frowned. "Who is she, and why don't I know anything? As your best friend, I feel entitled."

He laughed. "Her name is Nathalia Lavosier, and she lives in Paris, but she's coming here to take over for Ellis while she's out." He grinned. "We're engaged, El, and I can't wait to get married.

Ellie stared at him. "You're engaged?" She shook her head. "You're Mark Sloan. You don't get engaged."

"I'm engaged, El."

She nodded slowly. "Well, congratulations, but why didn't you tell me? And, if you're engaged, were you and your fiancée together when you and Addison…" Her hand waved around, "You know?"

"No. We met a few months later. When Addison moved here."

She nodded. "So I, your best friend, was still in New York, and yet, I had no idea?"

"Oh Ellie, come off it, I don't tell you everything." She cocked an eyebrow. "Okay, so I tell you a lot, but not this."

She shrugged. "Well it doesn't matter now, I guess. It'll be nice to meet her."

"You'll like her, I think." He grinned. "She should be here soon."

"Great." Ellie saw Derek come in to the cafeteria with Meredith and groaned. "I should go check on Jordan and my mom. I'll see you later." She said, smiling and leaving.

* * *

_Too small to matter,  
But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces.  
If I try to touch her,  
And I bleed,  
I bleed,  
And I breathe,  
I breathe no more._

Downstairs, a woman in her early 30's entered the hospital lobby. At 5"10, she was tall but not freakishly so. She wore a black wool pea coat over a wide-neck white blouse designed by Donnatella Versace herself. The pants were black but the legs were accented by what could be best described as little black belts with silver buckles up the sides. The pants ended in a soft flair which showed off most of the beautiful craftsmanship that was Manolo Blanik. Her dark brown hair was pulled back away from mocha-colored skin revealing her delicate face. It was a face that would make an artist weep with joy. Her honey-colored eyes were the focal point and supported by a perfectly proportioned nose and mouth. That combined with her thin, but not too thin frame made her the stuff of men's dreams. Only the tasteful diamond and sapphire platinum engagement ring on her left hand indicated that she belonged to one man.

As she walked across the lobby, every man within 50 feet stared at her as she passed. This always happened when she was anywhere. Men couldn't help themselves. They thought she was a vision. But as always, she ignored them and made her way across to the main reception desk.

"Hello," She said. "I am Dr. Nathalia Lavosier. I am here to see Dr. Richard Webber," She said in lightly accented English.

The woman behind the desk smiled, "Welcome to Seattle Grace Dr. Lavosier. Let me call up to Dr. Webber's office and let him know you've arrived," She said picking up the phone and dialing. She listened for a moment before speaking, "Dr. Lavosier is here to see Dr. Webber. Ok, I'll send her up." She said and then hung up the phone. "Dr. Webber is expecting you. Take the elevator and go to the 4th floor. Go straight down the hall, turn left, go through the double doors and across the bridge. His office is just inside the double doors on the other side to the right.

"Thank you," Nathalia said before putting her Gucci bag on her shoulder and heading upstairs.

Richard was standing in the doorway of his inner office when she arrived. "Dr. Lavosier," He said crossing to her to shake her hand. "Thank you for coming on such short notice."

"Not at all."

"Come in," He said leading her inside.

"Thank you," She replied, following him and settling in a chair across his desk. She waited until he had settled into his own chair behind the desk before she spoke. "How is Dr. Grey?"

"She's doing as well as can be expected considering the circumstances."

"Yes, of course. I will pay a visit to her later on today if you do not mind."

"No, of course not, seeing you here may give her some peace of mind. I must admit, Ellis couldn't have picked anyone better to fill in during her absence. I have heard nothing but good things about you."

Nathalia smiled, "And I have heard only good things about you and your hospital as well."

"Yes, well I am only too happy to have you join our staff. I hear that you are quite the star in Paris."

"You are too kind Dr. Webber."

"Call me Richard."

"If I am to do that, you must call me Nathalia."

"All right Nathalia. Dr. Grey thinks very highly of you. Just last week, we were discussing adding another cardiothoracic surgeon to our staff."

"Were you? I thought Dr. Burke helped run the department with Dr. Grey."

"Yes, he did. But he had to return home. He wanted to be closer to his family."

"I see."

"Maybe you might consider taking his place?"

"It was my understanding that this was only temporary Richard."

"It was," He said with a soft smile. "I didn't think you would stay."

"And what makes you think I will now?"

He glanced at Nathalia's ring, "A little bird told me that you were considering relocating sometime soon."

Nathalia followed his eye, "That is a possibility." Then she looked up, "But for now, I am here. What can I do?"

"Dr. Shepherd is waiting for you at the nurse's station. He offered to show you around and introduce you to the rest of the staff. And it is my understanding that Dr. Grey's office staff has taken care of setting up your office next to hers. They'll have all of her active cases ready when you finish with Dr. Shepherd."

Nathalia stood up, "Well then I should not keep him waiting then."

"No," Richard said rising as well. "If you need anything, let me know."

"I will Richard," She said and then she left the room.

* * *

_Take a breath and I try to draw from my spirit's well.  
Yet again you refuse to drink like a stubborn child._

Meanwhile, upstairs in the NICU Meredith put on a gown and stepped tentatively inside. She made her way over to her new baby sister's isolette and pulled a rocking chair up next to it. She paused for a second and peered inside, watching the baby for a moment. Then slowly and carefully, Meredith reached inside one of the holes inside of the isolette touched the baby's tiny hand.

"Hey baby," Meredith said softly. "I'm sorry no one's been here to see you. I'm Meredith by the way, your big sister. You have another big sister too. Her name is Ellie. She'll probably be here later. But I thought I'd come see you myself. You know, I didn't want you at first. But then I started thinking about it and a little sister seemed like a pretty good idea. I know it may not seem like it right now, but a lot of people care about you. Especially your mommy, Ellie and I are trying to get her to come see you. She's feeling a little overwhelmed, but you'll see her soon, I promise."

"Dr. Grey?" said a voice from behind her.

Meredith turned to see Addison standing there, "Addison, hi."

"Hi. It's good to see you up here."

"I thought a visit might be good; show her that she's not alone."

Addison smiled, "Yeah, they like that. Ellie was up here earlier but she couldn't stay because Alex had taken Jordan while I was explaining what was going on."

"Oh, well she'll probably be up later."

Addison eyed her closely, "Is there anything I can tell you or explain to you?"

"No, I did a little research on this. I know one of the quints you delivered had this, but I wasn't on her particular case. So I thought it might be good to do some research. But there is one thing I wanted to know."

"What's that?"

"She-she's not in any pain right?"

Addison softened, "No, she's not. I made sure of that."

"Good," Meredith said, seeming relieved. "That's good. So you're just waiting until she's a little stronger to start the repair right?"

"Yes."

"Is-is there anything I can do?"

"Just keep doing what you're doing Meredith. And maybe try to get your mom to come soon."

"I will."

* * *

_Lie to me.  
Convince me that I've been sick forever.  
And all of this,  
Will make sense when I get better._

A little while later in Ellis' room Jordan was awake again, sitting by Ellis' side. Ellis was running her fingers through Jordan's curls as she stared blankly at the TV lost in thought.

Ellie tapped lightly on the door and stepped inside, leaning against the wall. "Hey Mom."

Ellis looked up mildly surprised, "Hello Eliot."

"How are you?"

"I've been better. How did you get here? Did Meredith call you?"

"Yes, Meredith called me. We flew out last night."

"I see. Well she shouldn't have done that. I know how busy you are."

"It's alright Mom. Jordan wanted to see you anyway."

"Yes, I know. But now isn't a good time. I've frightened her enough as it is already."

"Well if she's scared she's certainly not showing it."

"Eliot, please just-just take Jordan and go."

"Why, Mom?"

"Because I said so. I'm tired Eliot."

Ellie sighed. "Fine," she said, stepping towards the bed. "Come on bug, we need to check in to our hotel anyway."

Jordan ignored her mother and looked to Ellis, "No Nana. Me no go peas."

"Go with your mother Jordan."

"Otay," Jordan said looking heartbroken. She reached out for Ellie.

Ellie lifted her up, rubbing her back. "We'll be back, Mom." She said, turning and heading for the door.

"You should go home Eliot. I appreciate that you came nut it's not necessary that you be here for this."

Ellie shook her head. "We're not going home. Not yet anyway."

"Fine. Suit yourself."

Ellie sighed and left the hospital room, hugging Jordan to her chest. Without fail, Jordan started to cry softly as she did every time she left her Nana.

"We'll come see her later bug. I promise."

Jordan nodded. Inside, Ellis' heart broke as she heard Jordan's soft cries and Ellie's reassurance as they walked down the hall. She laid back and let out a breath before reaching over and grabbing a tissue from the night stand. Undoing the top of her gown carefully, Ellis gently dabbed the tissue on her nipple where breast milk had appeared. She did the same to the other breast with care, knowing all the while that it would probably appear again soon. Her milk had come in and there was no baby to give it to. The latter fact pained and overwhelmed the great surgeon. Gingerly turning on her side once more, Ellis began to cry tears that seemingly had no end.

* * *

_But I know the difference,  
Between myself and my reflection.  
I just can't help but to wonder,  
Which of us do you love._

_Ellie headed down the hall, rubbing Jordan's back lightly. Down the hall, Derek was standing at the nurse's station waiting for Nathalia._

_Ellie sighed as she headed up to the nurses station. "Hey, Derek."_

_"Hey. What's the matter with you?"_

_"Nothing. My mother is just--she's just being my mother, and all Jordan wants to do is stay, but Ellis asked us to leave."_

_"Oh. Poor peanut," He said stroking Jordan's face._

_"Yeah." Ellie sighed. "We're going to go check in at the hotel, but we'll stop by the house later. I'm sure I'll see you then._

_"Y-yeah," He said his focus no longer on Ellie or Jordan. Instead his gaze was focused down the hall, where Nathalia was walking toward them and turning heads as she went._

_Ellie frowned. "What are you staring at?" She followed his gaze. "Who is that?"_

_Derek tried to speak, but found himself unable to do so as Nathalia came over to them, "Dr. Shepherd?"_

_She smiled and offered her hand, "I am Dr. Lavosier. It's nice to meet you."_

_"Nice to meet you too." He said shaking her hand. Ellie shifted Jordan on her hip. "You're Nathalia? Mark's fiancée?"_

_Nathalia turned to her, "Yes, I am and you are?"_

_"Eliot Grey. I'm a friend of his."_

_She smiled, "It is nice to finally meet you."_

_"You too." She said softly. "I should go check in at my hotel, but I'm sure I'll see you around."_

_"Yes of course."_

_Ellie nodded and left, heading to her hotel._

_"That went over well," Nathalia said softly._

_"What do you mean?"_

_"She didn't seem to like me."_

_"I'm sure she liked you just fine. Ellis Grey is her mother; she's just a little preoccupied right now."_

_"Yes, I realize that. Dr. Grey talked to me at great length about her children and their accomplishments."_

_"That doesn't surprise me. She's proud of them, even if she doesn't show it to them." He paused. "I'm sure Ellie likes you just fine, Dr. Lavosier. Why don't I show you around?"_

_"Very well," She said with a smile and they went off._

_

* * *

_

_So I bleed,  
I bleed,  
And I breathe,  
I breathe no... _

_After Nathalia finished taking a tour with Derek and checking in with Dr. Grey's office, she went to see Dr. Grey herself._

_"Ellis?" Nathalia said knocking softly on the door._

_Ellis snapped out of her reverie, "Nathalia, come in."_

_Nathalia entered the room, "How are you feeling?"_

_"As well as I can considering the circumstances."_

_"Is there anything I can do?" She asked approaching the bed._

_"No," Ellis said. "Thank you for coming so quickly."_

_"It is nothing. I am in your debt after what you did for me."_

_Ellis gave her a soft smile, "I did only what I could."_

_"You gave me time with him. Those 6 months I had with him were a true gift."_

_"Does Dr. Sloan know?"_

_"Yes, he knows everything."_

_"Good. I'm happy that you're moving forward."_

_Nathalia took her hand, "Enough about me. Have you gotten to see your baby yet?"_

_"No," She said softly._

_"When you are ready, you will," She said squeezing her hand._

_"I can't do it yet, not now."_

_"You don't have to. But I did go to the NICU."_

_Ellis looked up, "You did?"_

_"Yes."_

_"H-how is she?"_

_"She's doing quite well. There is no cardiac involvement yet."_

_"What about her respiration?"_

_"93 saturation."_

_"On her own?"_

_"Yes, she's breathing with the help of oxygen."_

_"G-good. That's good."_

_Nathalia looked at her watch, "I have a staff meeting. But I will see you in the morning."_

_"Nathalia, that really isn't necessary."_

_"Nonsense, what is that saying that you Americans have? One good turn deserves another? What you did for me after he passed away—you understood what I went through. You were there for me in a way Michel could not be. And now it is my turn to be here for you."_

_"Thank you Nathalia," She said softly._

_"Now rest Cherie," Nathalia said kissing both of her cheeks in typical European fashion before leaving the room._

_Ellis lay back against the pillows and sighed. Her mind spun as she thought about what Nathalia had experienced. The younger woman had experienced so much pain and tragedy and she was still going. One of the walking wounded. But still despite seeing Nathalia, Ellis couldn't bring herself to visit her new child or see Ellie and Meredith. She was barely breathing, but could never admit it._

_Bleed,  
I bleed,  
And I breathe,  
I breathe,  
I breathe-  
I breathe no more. _

_

* * *

_

Lyrics- "Breath No More,"-Evanescence

R/R Please!


	3. Love's Labours Lost

Wishin' and Hopin'

By Mel and Nathalia

* * *

Chapter 3: Love's Labours Lost 

_When I was eight years old, I wanted to meet my mother. I knew she was a doctor, and that she was very busy, but I'd never met her, and I really wanted to. So, I paid my best friend PT a dollar to throw a baseball at my head so that I would need to go to the hospital. While it wasn't the best idea, because when I hit the ground I dislocated my shoulder, it got me to the hospital._

_My mother came and saw me once. Worst idea I've ever had._

_When I was thirteen, I was babysitting for one of the families down the street when my mother showed up at the door with her daughter at her side. Meredith's babysitter had bailed, and the Jamesons had said it would be okay if she dropped Meredith off with me. When my mother realized it was me, she forcefully instructed me to not reveal to Meredith that I was her sister, and left. I was already back at home when she finally returned to pick Meredith up later that night._

_I didn't see them again for three years. When I was 16, my Dad and I were headed back from Anacortes. I had just turned 16 a few weeks before, and he was letting me drive. It started to rain, and he was asleep, so I thought I would pull over and wait until the rain slowed down, since I'd never driven in it before and it kind of scared me. As I was pulling over, the car started to skid across the asphalt, and the next thing I knew I was opening my eyes trying to make out what the paramedic was saying. I'd driven the car straight in to a tree. My father never even woke up._

_I moved in with Ellis and Meredith, and while it wasn't bad, it certainly wasn't ideal. I didn't spend much time there, and when I was accepted to NYU, I left just a few weeks after graduation. In New York_ _was where I met Addison and Mark, who quickly became my best friends. When I returned to Seattle_ _for the summer, my mother and I ended up getting in a huge fight. She'd found out through an old friend that I had been dating one of my professors, who was married. I didn't know he was married until she told me, but she was upset because she thought I was sleeping my way through school. When I told her she was full of it, she refused to pay for my school any longer. I left Seattle_ _and didn't come back until after Jordan_ _was born._

_Mark is my best friend. He and I tell each other things that we've never told Addison or Derek, and when he slept with Addison, I was the only one that stuck around. He knows everything about me, from who Jordan_'_s father is, to the real reason I hate Seattle_ _so much, and I know everything about him…or at least, I thought I did._

_I told myself that I would be happy for him. He's engaged and that's great. He's finally settling down. But the thing is, I've been in love with him for a long time, and while I'd never pursue it, it hurts like hell._

* * *

_What ravages of spirit  
conjured this temptuous rage  
created you a monster  
broken by the rules of love  
and fate has lead you through it  
you do what you have to do  
and fate has led you through it  
you do what you have to do ..._

Later that night, Addison left the hospital and headed to the Archfield Hotel. She had heard from the nurses about how Ellis had kicked Ellie and Jordan out. So she wanted to see how they were doing. And also since Ellis had not yet seen Lily, she wanted to encourage Ellie to visit the newborn the next day.

Ellie and Jordan were sitting in bed, watching a Disney movie that was playing on television. Ellie was barely paying attention though. Though she and her mother didn't get along well, she was worried about her. Ellis was acting so differently, and it was starting to scare Ellie. She continued to stare blankly at the television, jumping out of her trance when someone knocked on the door. She set Jordan on the bed and went over to open the door.

"Hey sorella," Addison said. "How are you holding up?"

Ellie shrugged. "Fine." She said softly, opening the door for Addison and heading back to the bed, pulling Jordan back in to her lap.

"Just fine?" Addison asked, taking a seat next to her and cocking her eyebrow.

"Yeah. Just fine." Ellie sighed, hugging Jordan to her. "I hate watching movies on television. Commercials suck."

"The nurses told me that Ellis kicked you guys out."

"Yeah, she did." Ellie turned to face Addison. "She's acting so differently. She's not Ellis Grey."

"Remember how you were when Jordan spent her first 24 hours in the NICU?"

Ellie shrugged. "Not really, Add."

"Mark and Derek begged you to see Jordan but you wouldn't. Not until she was out of the NICU."

Ellie closed her eyes, images of Mark sitting at her bedside, trying to get her out of bed playing in her head. "Okay yeah. I just...I don't know. My mother isn't like this."

"She's acting like a mother Ellie."

"Not my mother."

"Exactly my point. She's always been Ellis Grey the surgeon for you."

"I don't know how to deal with her like this, Add. She was never my mother. She was that woman that gave birth to me and you know, helped raise me when my Dad was gone. I don't know what to do."

"Did you know that Mark is engaged?"

"Yeah." Ellie grumbled, looking back at the television.

"She was coming out of your mom's room when I was talking to the nurses."

Ellie's brow furrowed. "Mark's fiancée was talking to my mother?"

"Yeah," Addison said and then bit her lip. She was hesitant to tell Ellie the next part.

Ellie didn't even have to look at her to know there was something else. "Spill it."

"Dr. Lavosier was in the NICU with the baby when I went to check on her before coming here."

Ellie nodded. "Great. So Mark's fiancée is hanging out with my sister. Cool."

"Ellie..."

"What?" She leaned back against the pillow, Jordan still sitting up on her lap, entranced by the movie. "Maybe I should just go home. Mom doesn't want me here, Meredith's got McWhatever, Mark has Dr. OohLaLa..."

"So what? You're forgetting someone Ellie. The person you came here for."

Ellie frowned and looked over at her. "What are you talking about?"

"The baby Ellie, your sister. Who still doesn't have a name by the way. She needs more than the 5 minutes Meredith could offer today."

She sighed. "You think I should go to the NICU?"

"You need to go. So far Dr. OohLaLa as you call her is the only one who has actually sat with her for awhile. She needs to know that she's not alone."

Ellie laughed softly at the nickname and then nodded. "Okay. I'll go tomorrow."

"Could you think of a name while you're at it? I hate having to call her baby girl Grey in my notes."

"Add I can't name her. Mom has to do that."

"You're right, I'm sorry I asked."

"It's okay. I would, but I'm afraid I'd name her something normal like Sarah and the woman who named her first child Eliot would have a hissy fit."

"Says she who named her first child Jordana Persephone Grey."

"Excuse you. You helped."

"With the Jordan part."

"Well then who..." Ellie laughed. "Mark. That's right. He started listing off names, and Persephone was like the third one he said."

"I wonder where he got that. I know it's from the Greek myths but he doesn't strike me as the type of person who would read them."

Ellie laughed. "Remember when he broke his leg and was on morphine for two weeks? Guess who read him the Greek myths."

Addison let out a mock gasp, "You little sneak."

Ellie laughed. "He was such a pain in the ass to take care of. He deserved it."

"Well, from now on that duty falls to Dr. OohLaLa."

Ellie sighed. "Is she nice?"

Addison smiled softly, "She's very nice. But when I talked to her, I got the impression that she knew your mother way before Mark."

"Really? Well that would kind of make sense, since Mark barely knows my mother."

"No, I mean that they have some kind of personal relationship."

"Oh. Maybe that would explain why Mom didn't kick her out like she kicked us out."

"Maybe. But it has to be something pretty special. Your mother barely tolerated my visits today."

Ellie gasped. "Even you?" She said, fighting a laugh.

"Shut up Ellie. I am her doctor you know. But the way she was talking to that baby today makes me wonder how your mother knows Nathalia Lavosier."

"What do you mean?"

"It looked like she had been through that before."

"Oh. Really?" Ellie sighed. "Maybe she should hang out with the baby then."

"She needs her family El."

"Yeah, okay."

Jordan started to wiggle sleepily. Ellie laughed and pulled her down on to the bed between Ellie and Addison. "Tired doodle?"

"Mommy time peas."

"Okay." Ellie grabbed her sling and took her shirt off, putting it around her body before settling Jordan in it.

Jordan breathed a content sigh and went to her breast before beginning to suckle greedily.

"Now that's what I call dedication," Addison said with a soft smile.

"Dedication?"

"Well going for chief resident while still breastfeeding isn't an easy feat considering all the hours you have to put in at the hospital."

"Yeah. It's been taking a toll on Jordan, which makes me feel awful."

"How do you mean?"

"She's in the daycare a lot, and Savvy and Weiss take her sometimes. I just feel bad because I don't see her very much, and sometimes she looks at me like she hates me."

"From the look in her eyes right now, I see anything but hate."

"Yeah now, when she's attached to my boob. But sometimes, when I pick her up from daycare or Savvy's, she gives me this 'I can't believe you left me here all day' look." She kissed the top of Jordan's head. "But this is so important. I was on the fast track to chief resident with you and Derek in town, because I worked with Derek so much that the chief could see it. But now...I have to work so much harder."

Addison nodded, "Ellie, I know you don't want to hear this but maybe you should move to Seattle."

Ellie shrugged. "Maybe. I mean, I miss you, and Mark, but I don't know."

"Just...think about it ok?"

"I will."

* * *

_and I have the sense to recognize that  
I don't know how to let you go  
every moment marked  
with apparitions of your soul  
I'm ever swiftly moving  
trying to escape this desire  
the yearning to be near you  
I do what I have to do  
the yearning to be near you  
I do what I have to do  
but I have the sense to recognize_

The next morning, Ellis was lying in bed. She felt somewhat better after having gotten some rest. But even before she opened her eyes, Ellis felt the guilt wash over her like a tidal wave. Beside her, the breakfast that had been brought sat untouched.

Ellie walked in slowly, having left Jordan with Addison for a little while. She shut the door softly and sat down next to the bed. "Mom?"

Ellis broke out of her thoughts and looked up, "Oh, hello Eliot." She said softly.

"How are you feeling?"

"Somewhat better."

"That's good." Ellie sighed. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Why can Nathalia Lavosier stay here but Jordan and I can't?"

"She just stopped in to ask how I was feeling that's all."

"But you let her stay. You kicked us out. Jordan was devastated! All she wanted to do was see her Nana."

"I was tired, but I do apologize. Tell Jordana that I'm sorry."

Ellie sighed. "Fine. You know she went to see the baby too."

"I know that."

"This woman, who I don't know except that she's engaged to my best friend and has some weird connection to you, was in the NICU with your child, whom you haven't gone to see yet."

"I will see her when I am ready."

"Mom, I know it's hard. But if I could go back, I would be in the NICU with Jordan from day one."

Ellis turned to her, "Do you really want to bring up Jordana's birth to me Eliot?"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"While you were unable to see her for those first 24 hours, I was in the NICU by Jordana's side. I stayed with her until you were ready."

"I waited a day, Mom. She's three days old."

"Jordana was fine by the time you were ready Eliot. She was a full term baby. Your sister is premature and has an omphalocele. It's not the same thing."

"But she needs you!"

"I can't see her, not yet."

Ellie sighed. "Fine."

"Thank you."

Ellie just shrugged, staring out the window.

"Eliot, if you are going to sit here and be mad at me for not going to see my child then please leave."

Ellie stood without a word and left, the door shutting loudly. Ellis cringed when the door slammed and slowly sank down under the covers, the guilt overwhelming her once more.

* * *

_that_ _I don't know how  
to let you go  
I don't know how  
to let you go_

Ellie left her mothers room and headed up to the NICU to see the baby, arms crossed over her chest. Nathalia was sitting by the baby's incubator, stroking her hand softly.

Ellie put on a gown and went inside. "Hi.'

Nathalia smiled, "Hello Dr. Grey. I was keeping the baby company. I hope you do not mind."

She shrugged. "At least some one is I guess."

"Give your mother time. She will come around I am sure."

"Yeah, I guess." Ellie sat down on the other side of the incubator, looking down at her little sister.

"She will. Your mother is a very strong person."

"Well you would know that better than me."

"Pardon me?"

"My mother kicked me out. She told my daughter and I to leave. But you--you she wanted in there with her."

Nathalia looked down, "I am very sorry for that. I never intended to cause trouble in your family. I wanted to help."

"How do you know my mother?"

"She helped me a long time ago."

"Oh."

"And for that, I am forever grateful."

Ellie nodded. "Well that's great. My mother helps everyone else in the world but her own children." She mumbled.

"That is not true I am sure. Your mother loves you very much."

"You don't know anything about my mother."

"I know that she has many regrets for the way that you and your sister grew up."

"I guess so."

"She is trying to become better."

"She could start with coming up here."

"Yes, she could. But your mother is not ready."

"I know that. She has made that perfectly clear to me."

"She will come in her own time."

Ellie nodded, reaching her hand in and running one finger over the baby's small hand. She looked up at Nathalia. "So. You and Mark are engaged, huh?"

"Yes, we are."

"That's great. How long have you known each other?"

"A year and a half."

"Wow. That's his longest relationship. Usually he gets bored much sooner." She smirked. "You must be pretty good in bed."

"He is a very passionate man."

"Well I've never heard that used before, but I guess that's true."

"But he is very compassionate as well."

"I know. I've experienced the many sides of Mark."

She nodded. "Of course. You must know him well being such good friends."

"Mark is my best friend. The only thing he's ever kept from me is you."

"Is that so? How strange. He was very open about his life and his friends to me."

"Well, isn't that interesting. Either he thought I couldn't take it, which is strange, because he's told me worse things than him being engaged, or he didn't want to admit he was with you."

"I cannot speak for him. But I doubt that the latter is true."

"Well, the women always do."

Nathalia looked up at her, "What are you insinuating Dr. Grey?"

"I'm just saying...when a man is ashamed of the woman he's with he generally doesn't tell his friends about her. I'd just prepare yourself for some heartbreak."

"I see. You are entitled to your opinion. As I have said, I cannot speak for Mark. Whatever comes will come. But I will not suffer heartbreak here nor there. My heart has been broken enough for one lifetime." She rose slowly, "I apologize for interrupting your visit. If you need anything do not hesitate to page me."

Ellie nodded, a smirk on her face, and turned back to the baby. Nathalia quietly left the room.

Ellie ran her finger softly over the baby's small hand. "Hi love. I'm your big sister Ellie. And you have a niece. Her name is Jordan. She wants to meet you, but I told her not yet. Not until you're big and strong. So you have to get healthy soon ok?"

"Ellie?" Meredith said having just entered the room.

She turned. "Hey Mere."

"I just saw Dr. Lavosier on my way in. Is everything ok?"

"Everything is fine."

"Okay, I'll take your word for it."

* * *

_a_ _glowing ember  
burning hot  
burning slow  
deep within I'm shaken by the violence  
of existing for only you_

After sitting in the NICU for almost half an hour, Ellie headed back down to the surgical wing, looking for Addison, who still had Jordan.

Mark was coming down the hall. He looked upset. When he spotted Ellie, he went up to her, "Hey can we talk?"

She nodded. "Yeah, sure. What's going on?"

He steered her into an empty on-call room and shut the door, "What did you say to Nathalia?"

"I just had a simple conversation with her Mark."

"Simple. You just had a simple conversation with her? Bullshit Ellie! What the hell did you say?"

She rolled her eyes. "I just mentioned that it was weird that you never mentioned her to me."

"Ok, what else?"

"And that when a man doesn't mention the woman he's with to his friends, it generally means that he's ashamed of her, so she should prepare herself for some heartbreak."

His jaw tightened, "I can't believe you said that."

"Well why didn't you tell me? It seems a little weird. You've been together for a year and a half, you tell me everything else. I tell you **everything**, and you kept this from me? What are you hiding?"

"I wasn't hiding Eliot! I tried to tell you so many times, but you could never shut your mouth. You always had to make some goddamn comment about my love life. Not only that Nathalia couldn't afford to be away for long so the time I had with her was spent mostly just holding her and being thankful that she was there. When Nathalia told me that she was going to replace Ellis while she was on leave, we arranged a time for her to come out a few weeks from now. But when your mother had the baby early, she came as fast as she could. I was afraid to tell you because I knew you would have this reaction."

"I had this reaction because you hid it from me! You know how to shut me up Mark, you just tell me to quit talking, shut my trap, zip my lip, or whatever classy line you choose to use. But instead, you kept it from me. You're my best friend Mark. You know things that even Addison doesn't know. It hurts that you felt like it was easier to not tell me."

"You know something? I don't give a fuck if it hurt you right now Ellie. Before today, I was actually going to apologize for not telling you. But now? Now you hurt me below the belt by going after Nathalia, who has done nothing what so ever to you except try to help. You said horrible things to her and still, she offered her help if you needed it. That's the difference between you and her. She is a lady and you? Well, frankly you're acting like a fucking brat and I wish you would snap out of it."

Ellie cringed. "You know what, you're right. All she wants to do is help. She might as well, my mother would rather see her than Meredith or I. She's got the daughter she always wanted, gorgeous, the perfect daughter, no fatherless children to speak of...you know I was going to stay here. I missed you, I missed Add, I figured the baby could use someone. But the baby's got someone. The baby has your perfect fiancee, who will end up convincing my mother to see her before I can, so I might as well go home where people seem to actually want me."

"Oh yes, pull your "Poor me" routine will you? I haven't seen that in awhile. And for the record, Nathalia isn't perfect. She went through one of the worst possible things that could ever happen to someone. But she survived and it was because of your mother."

"It's not a 'poor me' routine!" She snapped. "You would know that if you were thinking straight and actually acting like the one person I trust with everything. And you know what, that's great. I'm glad Ellis finally helped someone."

He sighed, "I am thinking clearly. Look the only way this will make sense, any of it, is for you to talk to your mother. You need to go to her and tell her that I told you to ask her about Jean Rene."

"Why don't you just tell me?"

"It will make more sense if she does. She knows better than me."

"Fine." Ellie crossed her arms over her chest. "I still wish you had told me. She seems nice."

"She is the best. But because of you she won't even look at me."

Ellie sighed. "I'm sorry Mark. I didn't mean to do that. I was just being rude because I could. Because she's got everything I want. She's my mother's favorite person, and now she's the most important person in your life."

"She doesn't have everything you want. In fact you have something she doesn't."

"What?"

"A child who is alive and well."

_I know I can't be with you  
I do what I have to do  
I know I can't be with you  
I do what I have to do  
and I have sense to recognize but  
I don't know how to let you go  
I don't know how to let you go  
I don't know how to let you go_

* * *

Lyrics "Do What You Have to Do,"-Sarah McLachlan 

R/R please!


	4. Acceptance

Wishin' and Hopin' 

* * *

Chapter 4: Acceptance

_I never knew  
I never knew that everything was falling through  
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue  
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth  
But that's how it's got to be  
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy  
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see  
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears _

_I am used to having people in my life for short periods of time. I had my mother until I was 20. I had my husband for three years and I was blessed with my beautiful son for 10 months and 11 days. I lost them all to something; my mother to the waters at our house in _ _Marseilles__, my husband to divorce, and my son to a horrible disease. _

_When I said goodbye to each of them, my heart broke a little and with my son, it completely shattered. I never thought it could be whole again. But somehow I managed to keep going and over time my heart healed even though I will always bear the scars. _

_Now I must say goodbye again. For nearly 3 years I have felt like I have been in a deep slumber. But then Mark came and I woke up. He showed me the love and compassion that I have not felt in many years. I have dated since my son's death and my divorce. But once the men in my life learn of my past, they are gone. But not Mark; he looked beyond my beauty and my past and saw who I was. And I am grateful for that. _

_From the first moment I met Eliot Grey in the hallway, I knew. But I chose to ignore it, hoping that perhaps I was wrong. In the NICU today, I knew. I could see how much she cared for him. How much she does love him. And he loves her too. If I do not do this now, he will stay with me and I cannot let him knowing this. He deserves to be happy, truly happy. _

_So I must let him go. _

_I lied to Ellie Grey. My heart will break. But I will keep going. _

* * *

_Everyone knows I'm in  
Over my head  
Over my head  
With eight seconds left in overtime  
She's on your mind  
She's on your mind _

The next morning, Nathalia exited the attendings locker room sans the engagement ring Mark had given her. After her rounds, Nathalia went to visit Ellis. She knocked softly on the door.

"Come in." Ellis said, her voice soft. She was staring out the window, as always, and didn't even turn when Nathalia walked in.

"How are you feeling?" Nathalia asked, perching on the end of the bed.

"I'm alright." Ellis said softly, finally turning to look at her.

"The nurses tell me you will be discharged today."

"Yes, that is the plan."

"Is there anything I can do?" She asked taking Ellis' hand.

"No, I don't--" Ellis paused. "Are you wearing your ring?"

"No. But that is beside the point. I asked if there was anything that I could do."

"I'm fine. Why aren't you wearing your ring?"

"I am not engaged anymore."

"Why not?"

"Mark is in love with someone else. He would never admit to that. So I let him go," She said quietly.

"Oh my dear..." Ellis squeezed her hand. "I'm so sorry."

"Thank you. But I only did what was right."

Ellis nodded. "I'm still very sorry. I know how much he meant to you."

"Yes. He did. But if Mark can find happiness then it will be worth my decision. The love that he has only comes once. And mine has come and gone."

"I'm sure that's not true my dear."

"I am thirty-one and I have been married, divorced, pregnant, and I have buried my own child. I have lived a lifetime in only six years."

"That doesn't mean that you won't find someone who truly loves you. You can't give up on that."

"It might be easier if I did," Nathalia said and looked up. "Are you sure you do not need anything? Will Meredith or Ellie take you home?"

"Meredith will be here to take me home. I'll be fine." Ellis sighed. "It's you I'm worried about. If there's anything I can do, let me know."

"No there is nothing. But thank you. I have to return to Mark's apartment to collect my things and go to a hotel for now."

"Alright."

"Have you been to see the baby yet?"

"No, I'm afraid not."

"Around six, I believe."

"I am out of surgery at half past 4. Perhaps I could take you up to see her before you go home?"

Ellis looked down and then nodded. "Maybe that would finally be a good idea."

"Hearing that made my day much better," Nathalia said with a soft smile.

Ellis shrugged. "I should see her I suppose. It's been too long."

"I am sure she cannot wait to see you. But for now, rest. I will come back after my surgery."

"Okay. Thank you so much Nathalia."

"Not at all," She said and left.

* * *

_Let's rearrange  
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage  
Just say that we agree and then never change  
Soften a bit until we all just get along  
But that's disregard  
Find another friend and you discard  
As you lose the argument in a cable car  
Hanging above as the canyon comes between _

Later that morning, Jordan was playing in Ellis' office while Ellie tracked the progress of her patients back in New York via her laptop.

Ellie was sitting cross-legged in her mother's chair, watching Jordan with one eye. "Having fun baby?"

"Yes mommy," Jordan said and then crawled over to Ellie, preferring to crawl on the sheepskin rug Ellis had in her office because it was really soft.

Ellie lifted Jordan in to her lap while she continued to type on her laptop. She was currently checking on one of her youngest patients, a five year old girl who fell off the playground at school. Mark knocked on the doorframe.

Ellie looked up. "Hey. Come on in."

He entered the room and sat down looking depressed.

"Are you alright?"

"She broke up with me."

"What? Why?"

"She said I was in love with someone else."

Ellie's eyes widened. "Wow. Is she right?"

"I don't know."

"Okay..." She reached across the table and touched his hand. "I'm sorry Mark."

"Thanks El."

She nodded and turned back to her computer. "Is there anything that I can do for you?"

"No," He said softly but smiled as Jordan started the squirm he knew all too well.

Ellie looked down at her and laughed. "Mommy time already?"

"Did someone already have her time?"

"Earlier, I just didn't realize the day had gone by that fast."

"Well it's close to 2."

"Oh." Ellie smiled. "Shut the door will you?" She asked, reaching for Jordan's sling.

"Yeah, sure," He said and got up. "Do you want some privacy?"

"You can stay if you want. It doesn't bother me."

"Ok," He said and sat down. Jordan's squirms had increased.

"Just calm down a second," Ellie said, laughing softy as she set Jordan on the desk and unbuttoned her blouse, putting the sling on before settling Jordan in it.

"The kid knows what she wants El," He said as he watched Jordan start to suckle greedily.

"Yeah she certainly does.'

He smiled softly, " Jordan has got that look in her eyes babe. She's going to be there for awhile."

"Yeah." She smiled. "That's okay. I didn't get to spend a lot of time with her in New York."

"Well she's making up for lost time," He said quietly.

"Yeah, she is."

"Ellie why did you really say those things to Nathalia?"

She shrugged, avoiding eye contact with him. "I don't know. Why?"

"Why won't you look at me when you say that?"

She sighed. "Because I can't."

"Why can't you?"

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I was jealous." She said softly.

"Of what?"

"Her. Because she was..." She swallowed hard. "Because she was with you."

"Y-you were jealous?"

She nodded, looking down at the desk. She couldn't bear to look at him; sure this would ruin the friendship they had. Just then Jordan sneezed. Ellie jumped. "You okay sweetie?" She nodded and sneezed that cute baby sneeze twice more. Ellie smiled softly and ran her fingers through Jordan's hair.

Ellie swallowed and finally looked up at him. "I'm sorry." She said softly.

"Yeah me too," He said before leaving quickly.

Ellie leaned back in the chair, taking slow breaths, fighting tears. She knew this was going to happen if she told him, and she wished she'd just kept it to herself. Jordan whimpered.

Ellie took a deep breath and ran her fingers through her hair. "Sorry sweetie."

Jordan watched her, concerned for a moment before she resumed eating.

* * *

_Everyone knows I'm in  
Over my head  
Over my head  
With eight seconds left in overtime  
She's on your mind  
She's on your mind_

Everyone knows I'm in  
Over my head  
Over my head  
With eight seconds left in overtime  
She's on your mind  
She's on your mind 

As promised, Nathalia went to Ellis' room, still dressed in scrubs and knocked. "Ellis?"

Ellis was sitting on the edge of her bed, fully dressed, waiting for her. "Come in."

Nathalia entered the room, "Are you ready to see your baby?"

Ellis shrugged. "I guess so."

Nathalia offered her hand for moral support, "Come with me then."

Ellis stood, taking her hand. Her heart was banging in her chest, she was so nervous. Ellis stood, taking her hand. Her heart was banging in her chest see was so nervous. Nathalia squeezed her hand to reassure her and lead her up to the NICU. Once there, she handed Ellis one of the standard gowns and they washed their hands per procedure. Ellis' hands were shaking as she washed them, and when she finished, she stared in the window, watching the incubators.

"Whenever you are ready," Nathalia said softly.

She nodded and watched the incubators for a few more minutes before taking a deep breath. "I'm ready."

Nathalia nodded and led her over to baby girl Grey's isolette. The baby inside was on a respirator and there was a bandage on the large lump on her abdomen. Despite this, her tiny arms and legs moved a little.

Ellis looked down at her. "She's so little."

"Yes, she is. But she's strong. Just like her mother."

Ellis scoffed and sat down next to the incubator. "I'm not that strong."

"You can touch her if you would like."

Ellis slowly put her hand inside the incubator, placing one finger in the baby's tiny fist. The little girl gripped her finger in response. Ellis let out a soft gasp and ran her thumb over the baby's hand.

"You can talk to her as well. Let her know that you are here."

"Hi baby." She said softly. "It's mommy."

Nathalia smiled as she watched the child's vital signs pick up a little, "She knows the sound of your voice.

Ellis smiled. "I love you so much little one. I can't wait to hold you."

"That's great."

"There is only one thing left to do."

"Sa fille besoin un nom. Your daughter needs a name."

Ellis shrugged. "I--I don't know

"You must have thought of something."

"I--well I like the name Lily, I guess."

"How about Catalina?" Nathalia asked, the name sounding wonderful mixed with her Spanish pronunciation.

Ellis smiled. "I like that."

"Is that a yes?"

"That's a yes. Catalina Grey." Ellis turned back to the baby, running her thumb over her tiny fingers. "What do you think about that?" The baby squeezed her finger. "I think she likes it."

"I think so too."

Ellis smiled and continued to watch Catalina. Nathalia watched them too until her pager went off. She read the readout and sighed. "I have to go. Will you be ok up here until Meredith comes to take you home?"

"Yeah, I think I will." She said softly.

"Good, I will see you later then," Nathalia said and left, feeling that she had done at least one thing right today.

* * *

_And suddenly I become a part of your past  
I'm becoming the part that don't last  
I'm losing you and its effortless  
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground  
In the throw around  
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down  
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves_

And everyone knows I'm in  
Over my head  
Over my head  
With eight seconds left in overtime  
She's on your mind  
She's on your mind 

Around 6:30 Jordan was wide awake the in car as they drove to Ellis and Meredith's house. She hadn't been in a good mood since Mark left because Ellie had been distracted. Ellie stared out the window, following Meredith and Ellis closely. It had taken everything in her not to call Mark all afternoon, but she had refrained, though it caused her to not pay much attention to anything else. Jordan whimpered and whined in her car seat.

"Me want out!"

"Just a minute sweetie."

"Now mama, now."

"We'll get to Nana's in a minute."

Jordan started to cry.

"Just hold on." Ellie said, pulling in to Ellis' driveway a few minutes later. She turned off the car and opened the back door, pulling Jordan out of her car seat.

Jordan started to wiggle the minute Ellie took her out of the car, anxious to see her Nana.

Ellie retrieved Jordan's diaper bag from the backseat and headed in to the house, trying to keep Jordan from squirming out of her arms. When they got inside, Ellis was seated on the couch.

"Nana?" Jordan said tentatively

Ellis turned and smiled softly. "Hi sweetheart."

Jordan grinned and turned to Ellie, "Me go to Nana peas."

Ellie nodded and set Jordan down on the ground, putting her bag by the door before going in to the kitchen. As soon as she was on the ground, Jordan toddled over to Ellis and crawled onto the couch and into her lap. Ellis smiled and hugged Jordan to her. Seeing Catalina earlier in the day and now being at home with her family made Ellis happier than she'd been in a long time. Jordan became a noodle in Ellis' arms and she relaxed, happy that someone was paying attention to her finally. Ellis kissed the top of her head, relaxing herself.

In the kitchen, Ellie was pouring herself a glass of water and fishing through the cabinets for some Tylenol.

Meredith came in frowning, "Hey are you ok?"

"I need Tylenol or something." Ellie said softly, frustrated with being unable to find it herself.

Meredith took it out of the cabinet beside her and handed her the bottle, "Here."

"Thank you." She said softly, popping a couple of pills in to her mouth and washing them down with the water. "I told Mark that I was jealous of Nathalia."

"Ok…why?"

"Because she was with him." Ellie sighed. "Because I'm in love with him. I didn't tell him that," She said, her hand flailing about as if to waive off the comment. "But that's why."

"Oh Ellie…" She said and then looked at her sister. "There's more, I can tell."

"He left. I told him that I was jealous because she was with him and he left. And I...he's my best friend, Meredith. I can't lose him, but this is going to take a toll on our friendship since he probably doesn't feel the same way...although," Ellie sighed. "Nathalia broke off the engagement because he's in love with someone else. Though if it's me I'd be surprised."

"Ellie I don't mean to burst your bubble but I saw the two of them together. They were happy."

"Yeah. I know." She slid down the cabinets and sat down on the floor. "I hate this."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Were you jealous of all of Mark's girlfriends?"

She shrugged. "I never really thought of any of them as girlfriends. They were just women he had sex with."

"Were you in love with him then?"

"I've been in love with him for a long time, Meredith."

"But could you see him in your family? Like as the person you love as well as a father for Jordan?"

She shook her head. "No, I guess not. He's a great uncle mark, but he's not a family guy."

"He could be someday. But he needed to commit to someone first and he committed to Dr. Lavosier. If he had doubts he wouldn't have been engaged to her."

"I guess not."

"Are you afraid that she isn't good enough?"

"I don't know."

Meredith nodded, "Ok."

"That kinda sounds like how I felt when I learned about the ba-Catalina."

"You didn't want to share Mom?"

"Well not really. I mean since I went to med school things really improved between us. Medicine helped us start talking and now that I've started my internship, I feel like I finally have that relationship I was supposed to have and then Catalina came along."

"You don't know that it will change."

"Well yeah, but I thought they would at first."

"Well I know things are going to change."

"I know."

She sighed and stood. "Oh well. As much as I want to be with him, he should be happy."

"Yes, he should. But the engagement is off."

"And it's my fault." She set the glass of water down. "I need to talk to him."

"I agree but maybe you should leave it for now. I was going to order take out. Maybe we could have dinner like a family."

Ellie shrugged. "Okay, sure."

Meanwhile, Jordan was falling asleep in Ellis' lap. But she began to whimper softly and then suddenly she began to seize.

Ellis held her carefully. "Eliot!" Ellie came running in to the room, freezing in her tracks. "Call 911 Eliot." Ellis said calmly. Ellie fumbled for her phone in her pocket, dialing 911.

_Everyone knows  
She's on your mind  
Everyone knows I'm in over my head  
I'm in over my head  
I'm in over..._

Everyone knows I'm in  
Over my head  
Over my head  
With eight seconds left in overtime  
She's on your mind  
She's on your mind 

* * *

Lyrics: "Over My Head (Cable Car)"-The Fray

R/R please!


	5. To Sleep Perchance to Dream

Wishin' and Hopin'

By Mel and Nathalia

A/N: First off we would like to thank all of our readers for such a nice response to this story. Secondly, this story is set in season 3, AU. Ellis is not sick, nor has she ever been. Finally this chapter is rated M for, ahem, sexual content.

* * *

_If we shadows have offended,  
Think but this, and all is mended,  
That you have but slumber'd here  
While these visions did appear.  
And this weak and idle theme,  
No more yielding but a dream._

_-A Midsummer Night's Dream, Act V, Scene I_

* * *

Chapter 5: To Sleep Perchance to Dream

_What day is it? And in what month?  
This clock never seemed so alive  
I can't keep up and I can't back down  
I've been losing so much time_

_Ellis held her carefully. "Eliot!" Ellie came running in to the room, freezing _

_in_ _her tracks. "Call 911 Eliot." Ellis said calmly. Ellie fumbled for her phone in her pocket, dialing 911._

Ellie jerked awake, gasping for breath. Her heart was banging in her chest as she ran her fingers through her hair, trying to calm down. She slid out of bed and went in to the bathroom, splashing her face with cold water.

Derek heard her get out of bed, "Baby?" He said sleepily. "Are you ok?"

"Y-yeah." She said softly, drying her face off and crawling back in to bed. "I just had a really strange dream."

He wrapped his arms around her, "Would you like to tell me about it?"

"Catalina was born premature. And we weren't together. You had recently gotten divorced. And you didn't know Jordan was yours. You were dating my sister. And Mark was engaged to some girl...Nathalia. And I was jealous. And...there was so much going on. I woke up when Jordan had a seizure."

"I had no idea so much goes on in your head," Derek replied, a hint of amusement in his voice."

"I'm glad you think it's so funny." She said, smirking. "It was the strangest dream."

"Well, it was just that; a dream. And Jordan is safe, healthy, and seizure free."

"Yeah." She snuggled with him and kissed his cheek.

In her crib across from Ellie's side of the bed, Jordan whimpered.

Ellie slid out of bed and lifted Jordan in to her arms. "Morning baby."

Jordan rested her head on Ellie's shoulder sleepily. Ellie carried her back to bed, worming her way under the covers and settling Jordan between her and Derek.

Derek snuggled with both of his girls, "So have you decided where you want to spend Thanksgiving yet?"

Ellie shrugged. "I don't know. I was thinking in Seattle, with Mom and Meredith, but I know you'd want to be with your family."

"I'm fine either way. I just want Ava to know whether she's coming or staying."

"Well I would kind of like to spend it with my family. If that's alright."

"Ok," He said kissing her. "We'll stay."

* * *

_Cause it's you and me and all other people with nothing to do  
Nothing to lose  
And it's you and me and all other people  
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you _

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right  
I'm tripping on words  
You've got my head spinning  
I don't know where to go from here

At the same time in New York, it was a cold November morning. The first snows of winter had just fallen several days before, covering Manhattan in a thin blanket of snow. On Central Park East, New Yorkers were already on the streets, many on their way to work. But some hadn't even gotten out of bed yet. In her newly purchased Brownstone, Ava awoke in the master bedroom and looked up over her wedding ring on the nightstand at the clock which read 7:59am and groaned. She lay back down and shut her eyes, not wanting to get up. Mark rolled over on to his side, wrapping his arms tight around her and pulling her to him, nuzzling her neck and burying his face in her hair as he tangled their legs together.

"You're still here," She murmured.

"Where would I go?"

"To save a life or something."

"Don't have to work today."

"You shouldn't have said that."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to get up."

"Then don't get up."

"Easy for you to say."

"Do you have something that you have to do today?"

"Human sexuality, biochem, and rehearsal."

"Ew."

"Please tell me you were good at biochem."

"Ha. Not so much. Your mother was though."

"I have to go to class then, unless you can teach this to me," She said reaching for her syllabus and pointing to the day's lecture.

Mark shook his head. "Sorry love. I suck at biochem."

Ava sighed and seriously debated going to class. They hadn't really had time alone together in three days.

"Just don't go. You never miss class, I'm sure you can miss it once."

"What about human sexuality?"

"I can teach you that." He said, grinning deviously.

"Please do Dr. Sloan," She replied with a smirk. "By all means, do."

He smiled and kissed her neck, running his hands down her front and under the top she was wearing, cupping her breasts and thumbing her nipples.

They hardened under his touch and she let out a soft moan, "You are insatiable," She breathed.

"Me?" He laughed. "I believe that might be you."

"Who has his hands down my shirt then? Certainly not me," She said teasing him

"You asked for it." He hissed, tweaking her nipples between his fingers and biting her neck softly, soothing it after with his tongue.

She groaned and wrapped her legs around him, pressing up against him.

Mark's hands slid down her body and underneath her panties, teasing her entrance. However, there was nothing to really tease as she was already ready for him. Mark groaned and pulled back sliding her panties down her legs and wriggling out of his boxers before hovering above her. He leaned down and kissed her softly as he slid in to her. Ava whimpered softly into his mouth as her arms wrapped around his neck and returned the kiss.

She pulled back briefly, "I need to tell you something."

"Okay." He said softly, looking down into her eyes, his movements never stopping.

"I love you," She managed to say, rising above the feelings of pleasure coursing through her.

Mark stopped. "Y-you do?"

"Yes, I do."

He smiled softly. "I love you too." She kissed him softly then, a tender kiss meant for a husband and not merely for a lover. He kissed her back, leaning back and pulling her so that she was sitting in his lap. His hand on the small of her back, he hugged her to him as they kissed. She turned slightly so that she could straddle him but never broke the kiss. He thrust up, tangling one hand in her hair, the other still resting on the small of her back. He bit her lip gently, continuing to kiss her. One of Ava's hands brushed the nape of his neck as her tongue plundered his mouth. And then her hips began to thrust up and down in a steady rhythm. Mark moved in a rhythm that matched hers, enjoying the feeling of them joined together. Their kisses were so soft it was as if they'd never done this before. He broke from this kiss, groaning at the feel of her hips, and looked at her, brushing her hair out of her face. "You're so beautiful." Ava tried to speak but she was overwhelmed by emotion and pleasure. But her eyes told Mark everything that he needed to know. The love she had for him was so clear and her movements were slow and deliberate. She wanted to make it last. Mark kissed her again, holding her tight to him. After a few minutes he stopped moving, stilling her hips and adjusting them so that they were lying face to face on their sides, still joined. He brushed her hair out of her face and kissed her neck, but never moved his hips, just enjoying the feeling of being inside of her. Ava put her free leg over his to bring him as far in as he could be and then stilled her movements. He kissed her, resting his head in the crook of her neck, content to lay like this with her for the rest of the day. He'd never felt this way about any woman. Ava pulled the comforter over them and closed her eyes before relaxing. Mark wrapped his arms around her back, hugging her tight to him as he started to drift back in to a peaceful sleep.

* * *

_Cause_ _it's you and me and all other people with nothing to do  
Nothing to prove  
And it's you and me and all other people  
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you _

There's something about you now  
I can't quite figure out  
Everything she does is beautiful  
Everything she does is right

Later, at Seattle Grace, Jordan was sitting in daycare playing quietly. She had been subdued for the last few days due to a cold. Ellie came up to the daycare, intent on spending some much needed time with Jordan. Not to mention, she'd just lost a patient and gotten in an argument with Derek about how to diagnose another one, and she wasn't sure she could deal with anyone but Jordan, as ridiculous as it sounded. She lifted Jordan in to her arms and checked her out of the daycare, taking her in to an on call room.

"How ya feeling, bug?" The only response Jordan could offer was a loud sniffle. "Not so good, huh?" Ellie sighed, laying down on the bed with her, resting Jordan on her chest. "Me neither." Jordan snuggled into her, her little fist clutching Ellie's shirt. Ellie rubbed her back, one arm draped over her to hold Jordan in place. She could already feel herself starting to relax.

Jordan rubbed her nose. "Mama..."

"What's up baby?"

"Nose icky."

"I know sweetie. I wish I could make it go away but I can't." There was a knock on the door. "Come in." Ellie said softly, not wanting to move from her spot.

Derek came in, "Hey."

"Hi." She said, smiling softly.

"I'm sorry about before."

She shrugged. "It's fine Derek. You were probably right."

"But I shouldn't have argued."

Ellie slid over on the bed, turning on her side to give him room, patting the bed. "It's really okay, Derek. I got over it."

"Ok." He said and sat down.

Ellie rested her head in his lap, settling Jordan on the bed. "I lost my patient."

"I'm sorry," he said stroking her hair as Jordan let out a whimper of protest.

Ellie kissed his thigh through his pants, sitting up and lifting Jordan in to her arms again before laying back down, lacing the fingers of one hand through Derek's, trying to pull him to lay on the bed with her. He laid down with her and then noticed Jordan was rubbing her nose. Like the good parent he was, Derek took a tissue from his pocket and held it in front of Jordan's nose, "Blow baby," He said and she did. Jordan seemed content after that. Ellie watched him do it and immediately felt stupid. For whatever reason, she hadn't thought of that. She laid her head down on the bed, closing her eyes. Derek got up and threw the tissue away and laid back down. "What's wrong?"

"I just...I never thought of that. That sounds ridiculous, but when she said her nose was icky I thought...well I don't know what I thought. But now I feel awful because she's been laying here uncomfortable."

"Ellie, Jordan is 18 months old. It's ok. I just learned it this morning."

"Okay." She said softly, rolling on to her back and settling Jordan on her chest again.

* * *

_Cause_ _it's you and me and all other people with nothing to do  
Nothing to lose  
And it's you and me and all other people  
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you  
and me and all other people with nothing to do_

The Friday before Thanksgiving, Ava was in the kitchen unpacking takeout. She had gotten out of rehearsal early to pick up food for dinner. Ellis had insisted on going to the hospital directly from the airport in true fashion. Ava felt slightly nervous. Her Nana would be the first one to find out about the house and her marriage.

Mark came down the stairs. "Hey. Is your grandmother here yet?"

"No, she's not."

He wrapped his arms around her from behind, kissing her neck. "It's going to be fine."

She let out a breath, "It will be fine," She said softly.

He hugged her to him as the doorbell rang. "That must be her."

"It must be," She said and pulled away gently before going to the door. She opened it.

Ellis was standing in the doorway. "Hello my dear."

"Hi Nana," She said warmly, greeting the older woman with a hug.

Ellis hugged her back, smiling when she pulled away. "So, this is your home?"

"Yes," She said returning the smile and led her inside. "Welcome."

"It's very nice, Ava." Ellis smiled, looking around.

"Thank you. Why don't I give you the upstairs tour and show you the guest room?"

"Okay, that sounds good." Ellis looked around as they headed upstairs. Mark had hidden himself in the downstairs office until Ava was ready for Ellis to meet him. "This is kind of large for one person, isn't it dear?"

"Maybe, but I consider it an investment. It's not going to be me forever."

"Well that's true."

Ava led her to the guest room that was something that the Plaza would be proud of. It was warm but almost like being in a hotel without being in one. "This is the guest room."

"Ava this room is beautiful." Ellis looked around. "How did you afford all of this?"

"Ballet is quite lucrative."

"Okay." Ellis smiled. "This is a fantastic home, Ava. You've done well for yourself, that's good."

"Yes I have. Oh and I made sure to lay out your preferred reading on the dresser. You'll also find a little self promotion in there, " She said with a wink. "But why don't you get settled? I'll be downstairs when you're ready."

Ellis smiled. "Alright. I'm sure I won't be long." Ellis said, already beginning to unpack her things.

"Ok," She said and kissed her cheek. "It's good to have you here Nana," She said before going downstairs to Mark's office. "You're on baby."

He stood. "Yeah?" He shifted on his feet. "I'm kind of nervous."

She kissed him "Well you're going to have to get over that and fast. My Nana can smell fear a mile away."

He nodded and took a deep breath. "Okay. I think I'm ready."

"Good," She said and took his hand, leading him into the living room where they settled down to wait.

"It'll all be ok."

"Yeah." He squeezed her hand. A few minutes later, Ellis came down the stairs. "Ava?"

"In here Nana."

Ellis came in to the room, cocking an eyebrow. "Who's this?"

"Nana, this is Mark," Ava said standing.

"It's a pleasure to meet you Dr. Grey."

Ellis eyed him carefully. "It's nice to meet you too." She looked back and forth between them. "You're together?"

"Yes we are," Ava said quietly.

She nodded. "Are you my daughter's friend Mark? The plastic surgeon?"

"Yes I am," He said. "Could I offer you a drink?"

"No, that's alright. Thank you." She paused. "Do you live here, Mark?"

"Y-Yes I do."

She turned to Ava. "So this is serious, then."

"You could say that, yes. Are you sure you don't want that drink now?"

"Ava I don't want a drink."

"Ok. Well I have dinner ready."

"Okay."

Ava led her into the dining room and through out dinner, she tried to think of a way to drop the bomb.

Ellis made small talk with Mark, discussing their jobs. All the while she was watching Ava out of the corner of her eye. Near the end of dinner, Ellis leaned back in the chair.

"Ava, is everything alright?"

"Of course, everything is fine. I was just thinking about the show that's all."

"Are you sure? You seemed much more preoccupied than that."

"I'm sure that's all," She replied, shooting a glance at Mark.

Mark looked confused. "Uh, Dr. Grey, would you like coffee or something?"

"Coffee would be nice and please call me Ellis."

"Okay." He smiled. "Ava, you want to grab the plates? I'll start the coffee."

"Sure," She said doing what he asked and took them into the kitchen.

Mark started the coffee. "What was the look for?"

"I'm trying to figure out how to tell her that we're married."

"Married?" Ellis was standing in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, having decided to help with the dishes. "You're married?"

"Well so much for that," Ava said softly

Mark touched the small of her back. "Yes, Ellis, we're married. I love your granddaughter very much."

"And when did this happen?" Ellis asked in a cool tone.

"3 months ago."

"I see, well congratulations."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. Ava we'll be speaking later," She said and resumed helping with the dishes.

Mark kissed Ava's cheek and finished the coffee, helping with the dishes as well.

Later that night, Mark went to work in his office. Ellis had excused herself not too long before and now Ava went upstairs.

Ellis was sitting in the guest room, doing some reading. "Ava, I'd like to talk to you."

Ava went inside, "Yes Nana?"

"Have a seat dear. I just wanted to talk to you about this marriage thing."

"Of course," She said and sat down.

"What would you like to know."

"You're not impulsive Ava. I know that as well as you do." She sighed. "Are you pregnant?"

"What? God no!"

"Well then explain to me the reason behind this impulsive marriage. Do you love him?"

"Yes I do very much so. But this wasn't planned."

"It wasn't?"

No...it was very unexpected."

"How did it happen?"

"Mark took me to Las Vegas for my birthday."

"Oh. You were married in Vegas."

"Yes, but we weren't exactly of full mind at that point."

"You were drunk."

"Yes. Mark got strawberries and champagne one night. Somehow one sip turned into many."

Ellis nodded. "Well that certainly explains the rush."

"The next morning, I woke up wearing a wedding ring."

Well, you're taking responsibility for your actions. That's good."

"Mark offered me an annulment but I turned it down."

"I think that was the right choice. He appears to love you very much."

"Well the feeling is mutual."

"That's good dear."

"I'm sorry that I sprang this on you. But I wanted to tell someone first before Thanksgiving."

"It's alright, Ava." Ellis pulled her in to a hug. "You found someone that really loves you. That's good."

Ava smiled, "Yeah it is."

* * *

_Nothing to prove  
And it's you and me and all other people  
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you_

That night, Ellie picked Jordan up from the daycare to head home. Jordan was half asleep when Ellie got her, and Ellie was tired herself, which was why they weren't waiting for Derek, who was still in surgery.

Jordan woke slightly as Ellie carried her out of the hospital, trying to shield her from the rain with her coat. "Mama?"

"Yeah sweetie." Ellie kissed her head. "We're going home. Go back to sleep." Jordan sniffed and rested her head on Ellie's shoulder. Ellie headed across the parking lot to the Range Rover, holding Jordan tight to her body as she opened the car door and settled her in her car seat, covering her with a blanket. Heading around to the drivers side, she yawned and rubbed her eyes as she got in, starting the car and relishing in the warmth coming from the car's heater.

"Bed mama."

Ellie turned around, tucking the blanket tighter around Jordan. "I know sweetie. It's not far to home." She turned back around and shifted in to reverse before heading out of the parking lot.

A few minutes later, Ellie was sitting at a red light. Leaning her head back, she closed her eyes, intent on just resting them for a second. When she opened her eyes, the light was on yellow again, so she hit the gas, flying in to the intersection. Her eyes shut briefly and the car started to slide.

Jordan woke with a start. "MAMA!"

Ellie's eyes flew open and she slammed on her breaks in order to keep from hitting a car coming in the opposite direction. She let out a breath and guided the car back in to her own lane, but before she could get anywhere, her eyes had drifted shut again, and she didn't even hear Jordan scream as the range rover slammed in to the side of a building, sending Ellie's body slamming forward and then back before she went completely limp.

_What day is it?  
And in what month?  
This clock never seemed so alive_

* * *

Lyrics- "You and Me,"-Lifehouse 

Yes, the last four chapters have been a dream of Ellie's creation. Rest assured, this is the real story now. But the question is, are Ellie and Jordan alive or dead? R/R to find out!


	6. Coming Home

Wishin' and Hopin'  
By Mel and Nathalia

* * *

Chapter 6: Coming Home 

_When the road gets dark  
And you can no longer see  
Just let my love throw a spark  
And have a little faith in me  
And when the tears you cry  
Are all you can believe  
Just give these loving arms a try  
And have a little faith in me_

_12 years ago..._

_8 year-old Ava Shepherd walked into the Bride's Room at the Church of the Sacred Heart. It had been a morning full of activity. In fact, everyone had been so busy preparing for Ellie and Derek's wedding that would take place in 2 hours time that they had forgotten the little girl was there. It wasn't a hard thing to do considering that she vanished into the background with all the activities and people. Quietly she entered the room and sat down, watching Ellie talk with her best friend Addison. Ellie was shaking she was so nervous. Addison, who had introduced her to Derek, was trying to calm her down. Without even looking around, Ellie jolted. _

_"Is Ava in here? Where's Ava?" _

"Ellie, calm down. Ava's right over there," Addison said pointing to Ava, who was seated in a chair by the door in her jeans, a t-shirt, and sneakers. She wasn't even dressed yet.

_Ellie let out a breath and smiled at her. "Come here sweetie." _

Ava went to her and returned the smile albeit hesitantly, "Yes mommy?"

"Is everything alright? You're not even dressed yet."

"I don't have my dress," She replied softly.

"Where is it?

"I don't know."

_"Add, can you find her dress? It's pink...it should be hanging somewhere." _

"Sure. I think I might know where it is," She said. "I'll be right back."

Addison left the room leaving Ellie and Ava alone.

"I'm sorry mommy."

"It's alright, sweetheart. Don't worry about it."

"Okay," Ava said softly and she stared at the floor.

Hey..." Ellie reached for Ava, brushing her hair out of her face and lifting her up, setting her on her lap. "It's okay, really."

_Ava nodded but never looked up. It was hard being here for her today. While Ava had improved drastically in the last two years, she had become used to a routine and didn't do well when it was thrown off._

_Ellie hugged her to her body, rubbing her back softly. "I know today is different, sweetie, but it's a special day. Tomorrow will be back to normal. And, Daddy and I won't be working for two whole weeks, remember?" _

Ava nodded, "We're going to go see Auntie Nancy right?"

"That's right, we are."

"'Kay," She said softly and started to relax.

"Okay." Ellie rubbed her back, kissing the top of her head and holding her close.

* * *

_Have a little faith in me  
Have a little faith in me _

Around 11 that night, Ava and Ellis were in the living room watching a movie. Ava had fallen asleep not too long before. So when her line rang, Mark wasn't going to answer it while he was watching TV in the bedroom. But when he saw Derek's name come up, he had a feeling he should. He picked up the phone, "Hello?"

"Mark?" Derek's voice was shaky, but he was even more startled that Mark was on the line. "I--sorry, I meant to call Ava. I don't know how I did that."

"It's ok. She's with me. I'll get her, hold on." He said and went downstairs with the phone. Ava was passed out on the sofa. Mark shook her gently. "Ava. Hey, Aves."

Ava stirred, "hmm?"

"Your Dad is on the phone."

Ava took the phone, "Daddy?"

"Your mother and sister were in an accident." He said softly. "Jordan is mostly just shaken, but Ellie broke a couple of ribs."

"What? Oh my God!" She said now fully awake.

"Your Mom fell asleep at the wheel. I told her to wait for me, but she wanted to get Jordan home..."

"How is she?"

"She's okay. Mostly just scrapes and bruises, but she did break two of her ribs and bruise another two, and she's got a concussion."

Ava groaned, "Jesus Christ. Do you need to talk to nana?"

"Yeah...wait, I thought I accidentally called Mark. Why did Mark answer your phone?"

"He's here at the house."

"Why?"

She sighed. "We live together."

"You—WHY?"

"I'll explain later. Do you want to talk to nana?"

"Yes, but this conversation isn't over. Live with Mark...you're together, aren't you?"

"You could say that."

He sighed. "Jesus Christ, Ava, he's my age!"

"I can't believe you're talking about this now."

He groaned. "Give the phone to Ellis please."

Ava handed the phone over, "Daddy wants to talk to you."

Ellis took the phone. "Derek?"

"Ellis, Ellie and Jordan were in an accident."

"What? Are they alright?"

"Ellie broke a couple of ribs and has a concussion. Jordan is badly shaken."

"Oh my god. I can come if you need me to, Derek. I can fly out tomorrow afternoon."

"That would be wonderful, Ellis. Thank you."

"Of course. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Goodnight."

Ellis hung up the phone. "I'll be leaving tomorrow. I'm assuming you'll be staying here until Thanksgiving?"

"We're supposed to fly out on Monday morning."

"Alright." Ellis sighed. "I'm assuming that your father now knows about your relationship?"

"Oh yes. He knows."

"I wouldn't worry about it." Ellis smiled. "He wasn't my first choice for your mother, but he's certainly grown on me. He'll get over it."

"Well at least I won't have to hide this anymore," She said pulling the chain that held her 4.5 million dollar Harry Winston engagement ring and gold wedding band off.

"That's a beautiful ring." Ellis said, smiling. "You should be proud to wear it."

"Oh believe me I am."

"That's good." Ellis stood. "I'm going to bed. Have a good night." She said, and headed up to the guest room.

"Goodnight."

Mark sat down on the couch with Ava as soon as Ellis was upstairs. "Do you want to fly out early to see your Mom?"

"I don't know. My Dad knows that we're together."

"So? I know you didn't want him to find out this way, but at least he knows now, right?"

"That we're together."

"Yeah…"

"I didn't mention married."

"Well…he'll find that out later. Look, do you want to fly out early to see your Mom or not?"

"I – maybe."

"Okay." He kissed her cheek. "If you decide you want to I'll call and change the flight. Otherwise we'll just fly out on Monday."

"Do you want to see my Mom, is that it?"

"It doesn't matter to me, Ava. Your mother is one of my best friends, but she would understand me not coming."

Ava sighed. "Call."

"You're sure?"

"Yes."

"Okay." He reached for the phone and called the airport, securing them a flight for the morning. "What made you change your mind?"

"I don't want my father to stew too long."

"That makes sense." He squeezed her hand. "Everything's going to be fine."

* * *

_  
And when your secret heart  
Cannot speak so easily  
Come here darling, from a whisper start  
And have a little faith in me  
And when your back's against the wall  
Just turn around and you, you will see  
I will catch you, I will catch your fall  
Just have a little faith in me_

At the same time, Ellie was sitting up in her hospital bed, head tilted back, trying to fight the pain from her ribs. She felt awful about falling asleep at the wheel, she was sure she had terrified Jordan, though Meredith had told her that Jordan wasn't hurt. And she still hadn't seen Derek, which was making her anxious. There was a knock on the door. "Come in." She said her voice a little weak and raspy.

Derek entered the room with flowers. "Hey."

She gave him a gentle smile. "Hi."

"How are you feeling?" He asked giving her a gentle kiss.

"Better now that you're here." She said softly.

Derek set the flowers down and perched on the bed, "Is there anything I can do?"

She shrugged, cringing in pain, "Ow. I don't know."

"Your mom is on her way back."

"She didn't have to do that."

"Well she will. Besides it'll be good for the baby," He said kissing her again, referring to Jordan. "I'm so glad you're ok."

She smiled softly. "I can't believe I fell asleep. I should have been paying more attention. God if Jordan had been hurt…"

"But she wasn't. A little scared, yes, but Jordan is fine."

She nodded and slid over on the bed. "Will you lay here with me?"

"I'd like nothing better," He said and took her in his arms gingerly.

She closed her eyes softly, finally relaxing in his arms. "I love you."

"I love you too baby, so much." She turned and kissed him softly, snuggling as best she could without hurting herself. He kissed her back and stroked her hair. She kissed her way down to his neck, nibbling on it softly before settling her head in the crook between his neck and shoulder. He smiled softly and closed his eyes, intent on getting some sleep.

There was a soft knock on the door and Meredith poked her head in. "Derek?" She asked softly.

"Hey Mere," He said softly opening his eyes.

"Is Ellie awake? Jordan's been asking for her."

"El...babe are you up?"

"Yeah." She said softly, turning slowly on to her back. "Bring her in Mere." Meredith brought Jordan in, who was clinging to her, silent. Ellie used Derek to pull herself in to a sitting position. "Hi sweetie."

"Hiyo," She whispered, almost inaudibly.

Ellie smiled softly, leaning against Derek, who had his arms wrapped gently around her waist. "It's okay baby." Derek took her and Jordan squeaked softly. It was clear that Jordan's ribs were either sore, bruised, or both from the accident. Ellie ran her fingers through her hair, kissing her forehead. "Does it hurt, baby?" She nodded and cuddled slowly into her daddy. Derek kissed the top of her head. "I'm sorry sweetie." Ellie said softly.

"It otay Mama."

Ellie rested her head on Derek's shoulder, holding one of Jordan's small hands in her own. Jordan shivered, and cuddled closer. Her baby blue eyes pleaded with Ellie to go home. Ellie ran her thumb over Jordan's hand. "Daddy can take you home sweetie but I can't go yet." Jordan burst in to tears which immediately became louder because of the pain from her ribs.

"Hey, baby, shhh…" Derek said softly, rubbing her back. "It's okay." Jordan buried her face in his neck, devastated. "I know baby, I want to take Mommy home too. But she needs to get better first." Jordan continued to cry. Ellie reached over, rubbing her back. All she wanted to do was hold her, but she knew it would hurt too much.

"I lobe you mama."

"I love you too baby." Ellie said softly before letting her head drop on Derek's shoulder and drifting off to sleep.

* * *

_Have a little faith in me  
Have a little faith in me_

The next morning, Ava, Mark and Ellis all boarded a plane to Seattle at 7am. Having only gotten four hours of sleep the night before, Ava had crashed in her first class seat almost immediately. 90 minutes later, her brow furrowed and she whimpered softly. A few minutes later, Ava's eyes flew open and she sat frozen in her seat, scared to death.

Mark turned to look at her. "Ava sweetheart? Are you alright?"

Ava didn't reply. She heard Mark's voice, but it seemed so far away. She didn't turn to him.

"Baby?" Mark ran his fingers through her hair, touching her cheek softly.

Ava turned to him and her eyes were wide with fear.

"What's wrong baby?"

Ava opened her mouth to say something, but then covered her mouth. She was going to be sick. Mark grabbed the nearest airline provided 'barf bag' and handed it to her before unbuckling her seatbelt and ushering her towards the bathroom. Ellis who had been sitting two rows behind them watched as they left. He brow knitted in concern. But she knew what had happened and while Ellis desperately wanted to help Ava, she knew she couldn't. That was Mark's job now. Ava had made it to the bathroom by sheer willpower before everything she had eaten in the last 12 hours came up and she vomited in the toilet. Within a few minutes, it was over and Ava leaned against the wall, pale.

Mark wet down a paper towel and ran it over her forehead and the back of her neck. "What is it, sweetheart? What's wrong?"

"Nightmare," She said softly.

"Is there anything I can do? What do you need?"

"I don't know."

Mark just held her to him, rubbing her back. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I dreamt that my mom died in that car accident and all I could do was watch," She whispered, a few tears gracing her cheeks.

"Oh baby." Mark held her to him, kissing the tears from her face. "She's okay. Your mom is okay."

Ava nodded quietly. Ever since she was a child, she had terrible nightmares and reactions similar to this. But she hadn't had one in several years. Ava sighed softly, "Thanks."

"You don't have to thank me. This is what I'm here for." He kissed her softly. "We'll see your Mom soon."

"Ok," She said and rose slowly, rinsing and wiping her mouth before flushing the toilet. "Let's go."

"Okay." Mark, led her out of the bathroom, hugging her close to him. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I'm sure," She said as they settled back into their seats. Ava buckled her belt again and grabbed her blanket, covering herself with it.

Mark ran his fingers through her hair, kissing her forehead and holding her close. Ava rested her head on his chest and fell back to sleep slowly. She slept the entire rest of the way to Seattle.

When they arrived Mark shook her softly. "Ava, baby. We're here."

Ava rose sleepily and they disembarked. A chauffeured driven SUV was waiting outside the airport for all of them and they got in. Ava slept the entire way, the stress and emotions making her tired.

The SUV took them straight to the hospital, and when they arrived Ellis went straight inside. Mark touched Ava's arm gently. "Baby, do you want to see your Mom?"

Ava opened her eyes, "Yes," She said with a yawn and headed inside to the hospital.

Ellis was already in the room, Jordan cradled in her arms. Ellie, who hadn't slept much; worried about Jordan and uncomfortable, was resting in Derek's arms, a little pale. Ava stopped in the doorway when she saw them. Her heart was breaking and she felt like she was about to pass out. It hurt her to see the family that she loved so deeply like this.

Ellie cringed in pain as she tried to shift in Derek's arms, and when she opened her eyes she let out a soft gasp. "Ava..."

"H-hi mommy," She said softly, coming into the room.

Ellie sat up, swallowing hard, and Derek moved off the bed. "Come sit with me."

"N-no, that's ok," She said, now rooted to her spot.

"Please?" Ellie looked up, frowning. "Honey, it's okay. I'm just in a little pain. The new dose of meds hasn't quite kicked in yet."

Ava slowly approached the bed and sat down, hands rooted at her sides.

Ellie ran her fingers through Ava's hair. "I'm so glad you're here." She said softly, kissing Ava's temple.

"Me too," Ava said softly.

What's wrong?" Ellie asked softly, continuing to run her fingers through Ava's hair.

"Nothing," Ava replied letting out a breath. "I'm good. How are you feeling?"

"I'm alright. In pain still but otherwise okay." Ellie eyed her carefully. "You had a nightmare, didn't you?"

"Yeah. But I'm ok now."

"Okay." Ellie rested her head on the pillow, taking a shaky breath.

Ava watched her carefully, not noticing that her rings, which she had forgotten to take off, were making patterns of light on the wall on the opposite side of Ellie's bed.

Ellie noticed the patterns and looked down. She reached for Ava's hand, a little glad that everyone else had left, giving them time together. "What the hell...?"

_Cause I've been loving you, for such a long, long time  
Expecting nothing in return  
Just for you to have a little faith in me  
You see time, time is our friend  
'Cause for us, there is no end  
And all you gotta do, is have a little faith in me  
I will hold you up, I will hold you up  
And your love, gives me strength enough to  
Have a little faith in me  
Hey hey  
All you gotta do for me girl  
Is have a little faith in me_

* * *

Lyrics- "Have a Little Faith in Me," –John Hiatt 

R/R Please!


End file.
